Having been carried for nine months by a woman, having been raised with sisters, schooled by women for eight years, supervised the work of women, worked for women, been a father to women, and married to a woman for almost 49 years, I feel I have the academic equivalent of an earned PhD in “Insights into Women.”

I hear you laughing, ladies.

The following is not meant to be a guide to what women want or think; no such work is possible and women know this perfectly well. Even if it could be written they would change it because they could. Think of it as helpful hints and observations for guys. Who knows, it might just save your life someday. Feel free to share it with a guy who is engaged or newly married; if he is only half the knucklehead I was as a new husband, it will definitely help.

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Women like order. They believe men create disorder. How do I know this? Case in point, we are sitting in the condo of friends of ours in Phoenix, AZ. A coffee cake was on the table, partially consumed. I reached for the knife and cut a small uneven corner off of one side. Both my wife and my friend’s wife instinctively reached for the knife to straighten out the coffee cake once again. Both looked mildly vexed at my action, as if the universe had slipped out of alignment until they applied the fix.

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Women believe in rules. Men not so much. I see a sign that says “Not a Thru Street” and I read “You can get through on this street.” I see a sign that says “Entrance to Lake Shore Drive Prohibited” and I read “Prohibited, yes, but possible.” The highway overpass sign says “Time to 95th Street 16 minutes” and I say to myself “I can beat that time”.  Women don’t believe any of that stuff.

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No woman has ever liked The Three Stooges. I’m not sure why.

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Women need to vent without you fixing it. Hardest lesson for guys to learn. We always have the quick fix at our fingertips and are only too happy to trivialize her pain. It never works and it took me years to learn to listen, maybe ask a question, listen some more and wait for her to finish venting.

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Women need shoes. As many shoes as possible and in every color. Get over it.

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Women own the house rules. It’s not your nest; you are only allowed to eat and sleep there. If you fill the dishwasher, she will refill it. If you exceed your laundry expertise (my personal limit is bath towels), you will invite her displeasure. Use the little towels in the bathroom? See what happens.

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Women don’t like you “man-splaining” things. ”Hey, babe, you’re doing it wrong. The way this works is….. “

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Women can see a spot or stain on clothing from deep space. They have a personal relationship with their clothing you will never get. They don’t like it when their clothing gets messed up and it would be best if you weren’t the cause.

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Ruth Bader Ginsberg might have been one of the most important women in America. She most certainly was the most admired.

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Women can be in combat. Ever see a woman when her child is endangered or insulted? Delta Force and the Navy Seals on their best day couldn’t be more ferocious.

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Women are better at confrontation. And they know what wimps we are. Take a male manager who needs to address an inappropriately dressed female office worker. It will never happen. He’ll either delegate it to another woman or hope it goes away somehow.

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Women invented something for themselves to take the place of the neighborhood tavern where the guys hang out. Only they call them book clubs.

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Women who can fall asleep while you drive the car are paying you a compliment. They are telling you that they feel safe with you.

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Women process criticism differently than men. A respected basketball coach I know who has coached both men’s’ and women’s’ teams tells it like this: “I gather the team together during a losing streak and let them all know that some of the members of this team are not pulling their weight. The women think ‘He’s talking about me’. The men think ‘Yeah, and I know the guys he means.”

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All women can be divided into two groups: ones who you can picture (or have witnessed) doing a belly laugh and ones you never could. Marry the first kind, if possible.

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Women can be severely critical of other women, but some women seem to be liked by all other women for reasons I don’t get: Reese Witherspoon, Ellen DeGeneres, Carol Burnett, Meryl Streep, Sally Field, to name a few. Jackie Kennedy was First Lady at 31 years of age and everyone seemed to love her.

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Margaret Thatcher was listed as number six in a list of twenty real men in the gag book “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche.”

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Women need to see all men married. They believe, and there is some research to support this, that they are the only thing standing in the way of you becoming the Neanderthal you would evolve into without her influence. She will introduce you to culture to offset your passion for all things sporty, classical music to enhance the grunts you use in place of language, theater to add dimension to your two dimensional beer and sex-driven life plan. In short, to make you into a Renaissance Man whom she can proudly display to her fellow wives as something she has molded from clay. And not fine clay like a sculptor might use. More like Play-Doh left out in the rain. (OK, this one might be a little snarky, but it was fun to write).

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Daughters more than sons end up being the caregivers to their parents. I’ve seen it too many times to deny it.

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And finally, Richard Burton as King Arthur in the musical Camelot got it right. “The way to handle a woman is to love her, simply love her.”