It was in the late 1970’s and we were married about seven or eight years, when the parish priest asked my wife Maureen and I if we could help out with his weekend “Pre-Cana” conference. Would we, he asked, be the “Married Couple?”

Pre-Cana (as in the marriage feast in Cana where Jesus can’t disappoint his mom, and so turns urns of water into wine for the guests) was a program run by most parishes in Chicago as a prerequisite for a Catholic church wedding. The idea was to get the couple past the focus on the wedding day and honeymoon, and think about life together, beginning about the time you unpacked from the honeymoon and ending, well, hopefully, in that “death do us part” clause.

Pre-Cana programs lasted two days and consisted of a number of sessions in which couples would interact together on a question or issue, or consider a question separately and then report their feelings to their partner.

An example of a couple tackling a question together might be “How long do we want to wait to start a family? Do we even want a family?” An exercise to be started individually (boys in one room, girls in another), and then dealt with together might read like “List three things that you would like to see your partner change or eliminate from their character.” 

Some of those little tasks could lead to a frank discussion between the soon-to-be partners. Some of them started disagreements. Sometimes there were tears. A few times, a partner would storm out.

Peppered into the program were films, talks from the priest,  and little presentations by “experts” like us. The priest who recruited us explained that engaged couples tended to listen better to folks a few years older than themselves, than they did their parents. We were considered older, but still “cool.” 

We were both teachers when we started out, and we knew just how fast kids could tune you out. If you began spouting platitudes and advice, “cool” young couple or not, they would switch you off within the first five minutes.

So, we decided to have a little fun and present ourselves as “Bill and Betty Happiness, the Perfect Married Couple.”

Our audience consisted of about eight couples who ran the gamut of most engaged couples in the 70’s. There were the Lovebirds, hands welded to each other’s, eyes continually locked. There were the Indifferents, both pretty sure they had all the answers, and letting you know with every gesture and glance that you were probably wasting their time. There were the Bickersons, getting a jump on disagreeing with each other in public prior to a lifetime together; also, the Parent-Child couple, the female usually playing Mom to Junior’s willingness to follow orders and avoid the burdens of conscious thought. And there were a few people so comfortably in love with each other that it was warmed your heart and brought a smile to your face.

We came onstage holding hands, sitting on stools next to each other and proceeded with our over-the-top rules for a long and happy marriage. The rules were a blend of our own experiences, some sincere beliefs, and some just good old-fashioned tips.    

I can’t remember all of what we tried to sell them on that long-ago day, but here are  few of the best ones……….

• “You’re not that fascinating”

You’re young, you’re in love , but you don’t need to be in each other’s faces 24/7. Give each other some space. It gives your mutual love some fresh air and time to grow. Spend time on our own with others.

• “Go to be bed mad.”

Somebody probably told you never to go to bed mad. They were wrong. Go to bed before you say those ugly things you don’t really mean. Things will look different in the morning when the anger cools.

• “It’s your home, not his mother’s. Or her mother’s.”

Build your own nest your way.

• “Money.”     

Unless you are wealthy, and most people are not, don’t let money define your relationship. Agree on what you should spend your money on and don’t make a major purchase on your own.  

• “Kids”

Don’t let mom and dad order up some kids. Start your family when you are ready.

• “Don’t ever run down our spouse in front of others. Ever.”

• “You’re not the smartest person in the room.”

 Ask your partner what she or he thinks.

Actually, our little act was well received by our young audience. We got some chuckles and a few laughs. Even the Bickserons stop sniping at each other. And, who knows, maybe they even listened.

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If you have been lucky enough to have your love by your side for fifty years, you are among the luckiest people in the world, as Barbara Streisand sung. To have your marriage grow as both of you become different people many times over is no small feat. To fall in love again and again with those different versions of you and your partner as they appear is rare indeed.

To move from being just you yourself to being one-half of a couple, through parenthood, careers, setbacks, losses, successes, illness, the happy magic of grandparenting, and more is, at the end of the day what marriage is. It begins with love and passion and grows into the deepest friendship most of us will ever know.

Kahlil Gibran, author of The Prophet was all the rage in the 1970’s; he could have been describing marriage when he wrote:

“And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”

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Happy 50^th Wedding Anniversary, my love.

Bill and Betty Happiness on December 4th, 1971