The All New Tom Wogan Voting Rules for 2016

“People tell me all the time how great these rules are and how they are gonna be hugely popular and just amazing”

                                                                                                                            -Source: Anonymous

 

I’ve had it with this election. And with Brexit, for that matter. 65 million people in that country just found out that almost all of the things they voted for will never happen. Jeez, Brits, we thought you were smarter than that.

The loonies are taking over and it appears that sanity and reason have taken a back seat. It’s all noise 24/7 now and most of it not very kind. For example, take that half lit jerk with a room temperature IQ at the end of the bar shooting off his mouth. He hasn’t picked up a newspaper (real or digital) in twenty years, he gets all of his news from Fox or some conservative radio demagogue, and he gets the same vote as me! I’m tired of having my well researched, well thought out and absolutely correct viewpoints and votes negated by some Algonquin Roundtable of knuckleheads. (Go Google that one, kids.)

Not anymore. I have a new voting system, one that respects your right to vote as guaranteed by the Constitution, but also adds or subtracts the weight of your vote based on your ability or willingness to reason things out and to tolerate divergent views. I’ll also factor in your general kindness or lack thereof toward people who don’t look like you or speak your language, and your sense of what’s right, or at least what should be right.

And whether or not I like you.  As Spike Lee said, “Do the Right Thing”.

Rule #1: Everyone starts with 100 votes.

Rule # 2: I and I alone reserve the right to subtract your voting power based on any of the following:

• If you get all your news from the same source every day, lose 50 votes.
• If you don’t ask questions of anyone, ever, lose 75 votes.
• If you repeat things newscasters say as if they were gospel, lose 50 votes.
• If you deduct the tax from your dining bill before calculating your server’s tip, lose 60 votes.
• If you believe Rush Limbaugh has ever told the truth, lose 99 votes.
• If you think John Wayne was the world’s greatest actor, lose 75 votes.
• If you are anti-abortion and pro-death penalty and don’t see the problem with that, lose 99 votes.
• If you are a “merge weasel” while driving, lose 25 votes.
• If you’re really good at it, you may regain those 25 votes.
• If you are absolutely opposed to Affordable HealthCare and have no idea why, lose 75 votes.
• If you have ever actually answered your cell phone in a theatre while the performance is underway, lose 75 votes.
• If you still believe in trickle-down economics and make less than $100,000 per year, lose 50 votes.
• If you drink wines like Barefoot or “Two Buck Chuck”, lose 50 votes
• If you really think a wall across our southern border makes any sense, lose 99 votes.
• If I find you offensive, lose 99 votes.
• If you’re still not comfortable with a president who happens to be black, lose 75 votes.
• If you’re wearing your hair as a comb-over, lose 65 votes.
• If you are still trying to find a reason for voting for the “presumptive Republican nominee”, lose 75 votes.
• If you are still working from a flip phone, lose 60 votes.
• If you claim to hate Hillary, but can’t tell me why, lose 75 votes.
• If you are still texting while driving, lose 0 votes. You won’t be here to vote in November, anyway.
• If you want to arm all Americans to make us safer, lose 99 votes.
• If you can’t parallel park a car, lose 20 votes.
• If you lived through 2007 and still think we need less government oversight of business, lose 99 votes.
• If I can’t picture you doing a belly laugh, lose 99 votes.
• If you believe labor unions are the root of all evil, lose 99 votes.
• If you have more than two body piercings, lose 50 votes.
• If you have more than three tattoos, lose 50 votes
• If you have both of the above, you may regain a single vote. Fair is fair.
• If you haven’t read a book in the last twelve months, lose 50 votes.
• If you believe people who are homosexual need to be cured, lose 99 votes.
• If you really got into “Duck Dynasty”, lose 75 votes.
• If you believe global warming is a hoax, lose 99 votes.
• If you believe Saddam Hussein masterminded 9/11, lose 75 votes.
• If I find you dull and unimaginative, lose 99 votes.
• If your heart longs for the glory days of Ronald Reagan, lose 50 votes.
• If you work for the TSA and scream at people, lose 30 votes. Your job sucks, but you don’t need to scream.
• If you watch more than one reality show regularly, lose 25 votes.
• If you own more than one gun, live in a safe neighborhood, and are not in law enforcement, into skeet or trap shooting, or hunting, lose 50 votes.
• If you don’t care for my blog, lose 10 votes.
• If you try to rewrite my blog for me, lose 99 votes.

God that felt good! Now share this with at least five people and you will receive lots of money in the mail within 30 days. From a guy in Nairobi, I think.